I apply my personality in a paste

Ugh

2008-03-06T23:40:12Z

My god. I'm so fucking bored.

The excitement of the vending machines has worn off. Like, seriously. Ugh.

Weather needs to get better. I want to go outside or something with out getting fucking mud all over my shoes.

Davids clearly doesn't give a fuck. Haven't heard form him at all. What a lame ass.

amp_charlotte_j @ 2007-12-23T14:17:00

2007-12-23T19:17:51Z

GOOD FUCKING BYE CHERRY HOLLOW

Merry Christmas to all and to all a GOOD FUCKING NIGHT

amp_charlotte_j @ 2007-12-21T11:19:00

2007-12-21T16:20:34Z

NEVAN, I'm leaving on Sunday. You want to go with me?

YAY

2007-12-14T00:38:26Z

I'm getting the fuck OUT OF HERE!

NO MORE DOCTOR DAVIDS!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!

I can't wait, I'm going to leave as soon as possible!

Anyone want to arrange to get a ride over to Providence the same day as me??

Turkey Day Break Out

2007-11-21T23:07:09Z

Meet me in the cafeteria tomorrow for Thanksgiving plotting. To get out.

I don't care who you are, just show up.

Except Denzil. You're not invited.

Help!

2007-11-12T08:36:34Z

Who wants to plan an escape with me??? I can't take this anymore.

Email to JD

2007-11-11T04:53:58Z

FROM: Charley [johnsoncha@ch.gov]
TO: D [davidsjos@ch.gov]
DATE: November 10, 11:50 AM
SUBJECT: Hey

D,

I think I'm gonna sue you. What do you think?

-Char

Email to Dr. Davids

2007-10-11T12:56:23Z

From: charley [johnsoncha@ch.gov]
To: d [davidsjos@ch.gov]
Date: 11 October 2007, 8:54
Subject: ????

d:

where've you been? remember that bet we made about my medication? well i've been off of it more than a month now. the bet totally doesn't count if you don't have sessions with me. you're supposed to actually try not blaming my problems on chemicals, remember? you're supposed to try helping me some other way. and you can't point and say that taking me off my meds didn't work if we didn't have any sessions!

write me back.

-charley

amp_charlotte_j @ 2007-09-23T12:23:00

2007-09-23T16:25:09Z

Happy birthday, Nevan.

See I didn't forget. I fuckin' rock.

Hopefully your birthday is better than mine was.

Now let's go have a goddamn cigarette!!!

Hair change

2007-09-15T15:34:52Z

I was going for strawberry blonde, but they wouldn't let me bleach the brown out first. So I've got strawberry orange.

FUCK.

Oh well.

At least they get you things a lot faster when you tell 'em your mother just died.

amp_charlotte_j @ 2007-09-12T11:01:00

2007-09-12T15:02:53Z

My mother's dead.

I think I'm going to dye my hair again. Brown has gotten boring. Any suggestions for a new color?

All bets are off?

2007-08-30T02:55:36Z

I made a bet with Dr. Davids about how my therapy is going to work.

What a joke, right? Like he's actually going to follow through with it. They haven't taken me off of my meds yet... so I don't think it's going to be happening.

It'd be nice to be heard though... for once.

JD = AWOL = NOT COOL!

2007-08-17T01:14:45Z

Haven't seen my doctor in a month.

What a fuck up.

amp_charlotte_j @ 2007-08-09T08:32:00

2007-08-09T12:34:04Z

What the FUCK is that furry turd-like in our room?! It like... talked to me or something! What the fuck!

I found a picture in my dresser drawer. I don't know where it came from, but I think it's supposed to be me. Is it supposed to be mocking me? I can't fuckin' tell. I guess it depends on who put it there, which means... who the fuck was in my room!? Unless it was maybe Cresenne... I'll have to ask her about that I guess. Fuck!

No one cares

2007-07-11T20:37:10Z

I'm with Nevan. Fuck all of you. And fuck doctors especially.

None of you fucking care about me anyway. Just because I'm not perfect. I'm not a pretty, talented little boy or a beautiful, skinny girl like all of the rest of you. Most of you wouldn't give me the time of day because I'm curvy, and I've got a mouth.

You know why I fucking have a mouth? It's my goddamn defense system. 'cause no one has ever given me a chance. 'Cause no one stops and wonders what's wrong with good 'ol Charley because she's not pretty enough, or talented enough, or special enough like the rest of you fucks. No one pities me for what happened to me growing up, or how hard my life is now. Everyone just fucking looks at me and says 'you deserve it.'

Why the fuck do I deserve it any more than the person next to me? I'm so fucking sick of this. I'm not fucking perfect, okay? What the fuck do I have to do to get a hug around here, or to get someone to fucking care?

I'm not like Cresenne, okay? No one's going to read this fucking entry and say "Charley, are you okay?" and come check on me. No one's even going to fucking read it. They just skim right past me like they have my whole fucking life. No one's going to reply to this at all because you all think you're better than me. Well fuck you! I can't help it that I was born on the wrong side of town. I don't know what the fuck I did to make myself so goddamn invisible, but I'm fucking through with it.

If I ended it right fucking now none of you would even fucking care. Because I'm just Charley.... Charlotte Anne Johnson. The one none of you care about, and would never bother yourself to care just because I'm not up to your standards. I'm not good enough for any of you.

Story of my fucking goddamn life.

Holiday

2007-07-05T05:47:43Z

This fourth of July sucked.

I could see fireworks through the bars of one of the common room windows, but they were pretty far away. Tiny little bursts in the sky.

I wonder if my brother was watching fireworks with his new sex toy. I bet they were fucking instead.

I really need a beer.

Riddle me this

2007-06-07T18:53:26Z

So, how the hell am I supposed to get "treated" if my therapist is more strung out than I am?

Twenty years is a long fucking time to not get over someone.

Hair

2007-06-03T03:40:29Z

I dyed my hair! Chocolate Mousse... Herbal Essences makes sweet dye.

Fucking finally.

amp_charlotte_j @ 2007-05-28T14:52:00

2007-05-28T18:54:21Z

It's Memorial day. I'm supposed to be out, tanning by the pool, sipping a beer, and probably partying later in the day.

Instead, I'm stuck in here, sitting by the computer, bored out of my fucking skull. Maybe if I'm LUCKY I'll get a cigarette later.

What the hell?

Can I at least go outside or something? Jesus, FUCK!

Boredom

2007-05-09T16:20:14Z

Are you all fucking done ignoring me yet?

I need some goddamn people to talk to. Yeah, that's right. Talk to, not fuck.

If only Patrick could hear me now.

I need hair dye. Where do I get it?

amp_charlotte_j @ 2007-05-02T12:55:00

2007-05-02T16:59:59Z

This place is fucking boring. I need a damn beer, and a cigarette. Preferably both at the same time.

Fuck.

Patrick called the other day. He was transferred to another department because his boss found out I'm in here, and apparently that bothered him. Patrick's pissed at me. What the fuck ever. It's his fault, not mine. Like I fucking care about his boss.

My fucking therapist. Fuck. I fucking hate the man. On one hand, he takes me out of the institution, he lets me take care of his pets. But what the fuck. What's the point in taking a girl some place if you don't plan on following through with it? He's fucking leading me on.

And I love how he acts like everything is so goddamn fucking easy. "Just feel like this instead of that!" he says. RIGHT. Like I fucking chose what feelings I feel. What a fucking prick. God, I just want to kick his ass sometimes.

I need to be fucking transferred.

I need the fuck OUT of this place, that's what I NEED.

Fuck all of you.

amp_charlotte_j @ 2007-04-17T23:37:00

2007-04-18T03:40:00Z

From: Charley [johnsonchar@ch.gov]
To: Dr. Davids [davidsjos@ch.gov]
Date: April 17, 2007 11:38 AM
Subject: Test Results

I figured I should let you know the results. It was negative.

So why did I miss my period?

-Charley-

Rainy day

2007-04-04T20:37:08Z

It's raining. The weather keeps getting colder... I think it's going to snow tomorrow. I hate the weather.

Today's one of those days. I can hardly function. My brain feels like mush. What the hell happened?

I want to go home.

No more fun and games...

2007-03-24T00:03:11Z

God Patrick... you really screwed me over this time.

My therapist is an ass. He had me sedated and kicked out of our last meeting because... I don't know. Because he's an ass.

I haven't been able to get myself out of bed, and I have no appetite. Not that the food here is any good. I just want to go home.

And it's not like I can do anything to make it easier on myself. They watch you like hawks here. I can't even shit in peace.

Why can't I stop crying?

I'm not crazy

2007-03-15T19:09:49Z

I've only been here a few days and already I'm bored out of my fucking skull. There's just nothing to do here. Sorry if watching the paint peel off of the walls just isn't my cup of tea.

I tried to put some moves on my therapist, and he just didn't buy into it. But there's still time. I'm pretty sure I can convince him to change his mind... and to let me the fuck out of here.

And then I think I'll move back to Florida where I belong. I mean, it was nice living with my brother and all, but he's deffinately a bit prude.

Ugh. Someone entertain me. I'm fuckin' twenty two, I need a beer. They treat me like I'm seventeen again.

At least I can still smoke.

Can anyone tell me if they'll let me dye my hair? And get it cut? I like the pink but it's really long and half-grown out and starting to fade. I'm thinking I should try another color. I saw someone with organge, maybe I'll go with that. Where do you get the dye?

Note to self: Don't listen to Patrick next time. I'm nothing like Mom.